Dreaming again... morning of the 23rd

So real.
So deep.
The feeling of movies that play while you sleep.
Some thing untold
Something almost forgotten.
Things that keep creeping up on me
The ideas
The circumstances long gone
Memory in reminder of where we came from
the call to love.
Love is an interesting word
something that can not just be described in a few words
but takes a life to show.
Just like the Savior who took his 30+ years to give up all, in a pursuit, in a loving obedience to God who wanted to show us the love he intended.


__________________
Caught up in a dream.
Not a hope or desire, but one of a story.
Riding on the back, you came back.
All along all the past years of circumstances that just continued hinting of other things.
Where are you now, I know not.
What you think now, I know not.
Once you let it beyond personal, it just gets stuck in a mess.
A journey, a ride to the furthest parts that the sky tries to hide.
Washed out with a thoughtful mess inside.
I am worried.
Even thought we are told not to worry.
All the things in the past, present, or before me,
things we learn are already planned perfectly.
So why mess, why regret, why worry.
I guess the knowledge inside me conflicts with the feelings that guide me.
No, hopefully more than a feeling or thought.
Dazzled. Amazed, I am to weak to worry. Lord by my ever present Father and His ever present strength. Let him see you.
____________________________________
Part two ,
stuck and confused, thinking of all the messes I've created.
Was it me?
Truthfully,
it might not have been but the giving way to the sin inside me.
I can not stand. nor understand, the craziness of the circumstances.
How a sticky stand begins to land all sorts of things that fly,
---around.
Birds of all feather smart, beautiful, quick
the smell of the Father's essence attracts them to it.
But the reality of what is close, the purification process continued
of a perl that still is a piece of sand,
sand stuck in the mouth of a clam,
not beautiful until it is refined over years on end.
Not valuable unless all that work that has been put in produces,
a product deemed beautiful.
Then the clam lets go and sacrifices the pearl that it worked hard to
cultivate.
But right now, a pearl you do not see, but a simple piece of sand being pressed,
being cleaned, being added into something of more beauty.
Just like clay in my Potters hand. <3 p="">Love so amazing.

Heart on your Heart-Letter from APRIL

When April showers and May flowers...

So the process of falling begins

As the petals drop onto the screen.

I begin to see the reality

The real you

the real me

The dirtiness that comes from falling petals

once beautiful,

once lovely

once fragrant and on display to see

next the falling of the vanity

the hope of a new bloom soon

the rising sun and setting moon,

as the day becomes awake

the reality begins to become clear

seeping

sleeping in

dirt.

Colors of pink, yellow brown and gold

the brownish tints that were before un-shown

have now come over the petals

that of which were separated from the others

gracefully dance

gracefully falling

all to leave the branches bare

but the branch remains nimble, strong, the same color brown.

The petals have had their time

their moment to shine, now for the growing to begin

once again the growing will come

the blossom scent still lingering

once again the branches remain

remain for the birds to perch, in.

working for the next time, the next year that their flowers will show

but in the process they continue to grow. Growing towards the sky

the blue hue, the yellow light the orange light,

or that which is not, since colors are the reflection of the thing they reject, the one shades that they wont accept.

How brave are colors. Bold and true to their stance.

The tree does not pick their colors,

nor the flowering bloom

but once again they remain firm to put their energy their efforts into digging their roots deeper and deeper.

They know the one that provides the water and sun,

for roots to grow deep and leaves to eat from.

The heart of the tree grows deep. As it adds layer to layer

bark which thickens as protection

but once corroded, is taken over by another

by others, those whom look to it for shelter, for food.

The cycle continues.

The heart grows deep.

Those in awe of nature,

Gazing at the art the art we call nature

the art which blooms, shows the characteristics which comfort

us.

One to Look At:

An old tree--longevity

A full bloom--beauty

Falling petals--grace

Roots which run deep--security, strength

Birds of the air--free

But what we forget to see is the real thing behind the tree's

the one who came

who created things more beautiful

who did not just stop at tree's but made you and me

Like a branch:

He took hands

and commanded them to stand

looked at the eyes and stepped in,

saying to go, be free from sin.

Like the flower:  

Poured out the beauty stored inside,

the kindness to let others enjoy

many came to see,

many came to watch and enjoy the view

but few realized the point while the mission in bloom

but he still continued to extend his arms to the sky, reaching out until his time

"For it is not my will but thine"

Roots:

Which shook the parallel at time,

He got alone and found the water of which we seek

the connection to the Father, so perfectly deep that when dry seasons approached

he stood without reproach

there

un-condemned

because his foundation was deeper than his 12 other friends

In the craziest storm,

reached down deep and cried our Abba forgive them,

Like birds that perch:

Many came to learn,

Many came just to listen

Some came to test

And others just to feed

But time and time again,

his arms extended for them to draw near

bearing the weight

he beckoned them to trust and know him

In the storm

Unwavering in word or deed,

not afraid of the noisy sea

or a coward to the unseen.

the day they came for him to attempt and cut him down

he stood firm.

Quiet

silent to those who wanted to kill him.

But what they did not know is the tree will come alive again

In the noise of the storm,

spoke that the winds and waves be still. Peace.

Just like it says, be still and know that I am God.

October21,2012--Thankful day

I am so thankful for today. For the air that I breathed to the last word that I will say for tonight. I am thankful for today.
I got to celebrate and worship God with other brothers and sisters!!
It felt soo good!! There were several times in the service that I was about to cry, because I was so happy and overwhelmed by joy.
I am so thankful for today!
I got my reports done and need to sleep early to be well rested for tomorrow.
I am so thankful for today!
Yurim came back :)! She came to my room and appologized, but I am so glad I got to see her and that she came to visit me even though she was tired.
I am so thankful for today!


<3 p="p">Keep thinking of so many things again.
But...
I am SO thankful for today! :)

It is so strange... I was looking at past blogs... and .. just like I did not want to go to ODU, it was honesly a similar case to Japan. I wanted to ... but I did not... I was not excited.. nor did I desire it anylonger... but I can see once again.. I know yet again.. dispite my kicking and screaming. pouting and whiny brattyness of a child, God has a greater purpose. He is the best designer, of my life, of nature, of everything... Especially time. <3 p="p">
We.. the body of believers, the Christ followers, action practicers and grace embracers.
He moves in us through his Spirit and compassion.
God of all.
God who is
LOVE
<3 br="br">

10/12/2012--RecentRunning--October14,2012

Miss. Miss Miss. Miis. Mis.
Miss things sometimes.
But I know that when I miss something I realize...
To miss is the past..
but today is the present
the presents is a gift of God
and a reminder of hope
hope for the future
hope for the plans that He has in store( GOD has plans in store)
For He is good
and because He (GOD) is good,
His plans are good
His plans are strong, the best, the most exciting
beautiful
complex/difficult
rewarding
made to give Him his due glory
Because we are unashamed
unashamed of the gospel,
His gift of life,
life which can only be lost
only be lost
to be found in Jesus Christ
our LORD
our savior
the Son of GoD
sent to the cross to resolve our sins with blood
blood that was by no means diluted or changed
blood that was real so our sins wouldn't remain-
attached.
remain--
a burden.
Why so easily do i try to pick bags up ? why do I try so hard to fill my own cup.
fill it with people
fill it with fun
fill it with what i see at the moment
or what i long for that is past?
All I know is that GOD holds the glass
holds it while he watches
holds it while he waits
holds it while he wonders --
when i make mistakes
When will she let me
let ME fill her cup?
Shall I keep waiting,
or will she even hear me if I speak up
Speak up while she is running
running in circles
sigh
I will wait
Wait till she gives up ---
her self-sufficiency
her silly pride,
when will she realize
that I am the one that has--
has what she desires deep inside.

9/9/2012----

Blleehh :(. Finished packing... well mostly. Feel so sick and tired of everything:(. Bleh, it is almost like I feel pushed out. Pushed to go to Japan, and i am about ready to run away. just get out right now and leave till my day of departure, September 14th 2012.

Happy New Year!

2012 has had a unique start, yet I am still effected from the year past. Isolation is a sentiment? I don't know, but weird thoughts come to mind as things get difficult. I am kinda sick of it. I know that this will be used for good, but right now this does not appear fruitful, and even more so in the opposite effect, dangerous. Through this I know I need to learn full dependence but right now ... i ts like a scream, from the bottom of my soul I am irritated. There is a leaf that has fluttered. It is winter and now has become cold. As the tree waits for the season to take it's toll the leaf flutters and continues to fall. It is silent and swift. It is determined and its determination begins to break as the wind directs the leaf through long and cold nights, morning, even days. Where it is heading not the leaf knows but tired it stays one. It is the product of a beautiful tree which bore its fruit of a productive year. Now the glistening green has disappeared. The color does not give the leaf it's beauty but now, the shape is full and skeletal. It is in essence the bones of the glistening green once alive. The leaf can flutter and maybe even help nourish a hunger insect but much has changed. The long journey through all terraces has tired the leaf. It needs it's sun, it needs its tree. As the Wind blow, it tries to stay whole, in one piece. But now all alone it sways. Depending only on its Wind. Its guide. Even the leaf knows though blown it will not deteriorate so fast. Blown by the Wind..........

4/29/11--RuN

Felling antzy and not sure why, i keep wanting to go running. Or crazy. not sure why.
right not my heart feels constricted inside,
its as if im not satisfied
but why.
i don't understand
is it is as if my mind is shaky
not sure what to think
what to say
just on edge
on edge of what?
Not sure.
Can't tell.
Want to run.
Keep running.
Not sure from what.
NOtt sure why.
this really doesn't make sense.. because i feel like i want to cry
WHAT the Heck!
Ugg
Grr.
Its all i can say right now.
Laugh a little, then a frown.
Whats wrong is what i fail to know.
Feel like a surfer toppled by a wave.
a wake of i dont know
but i want my fondation
my protector
from what to protect i can not see
i just feel
.. stuck on empty
want to. need to. be filled up again.
I need my best friend back.
Wait i think .... maybe. sad because latley I keep failing at being a friend. You know thoes people who are supposed to stick around till the end. But I keep failing. I know i am human.
I keep doing what i am not supposed to.
doing what i said i would not do
and the opposite of what i said
i make a plan but yet, instead
it changes, i change it ,
or just dont do it
but i know my guide can get me through it
wanna cry. scream? no. sigh.
Let out my spirit
to cleanse me then fix what's inside.
the screwed up little messes all compliled together
not sure how much more.
too many longings
to do better, to have, to forget, to remember how much or what is "worth it"
it changes soo much, like i cant keep up
so i want to run.
I probably shouldn't.
not in a mental sense, but just to put it
bluntly. Want space to keep moving, no one beside me
only one to guide me
i want to run.
for it to rain warmly,
and to be drenched in rain like grace that saves my spirit my soul,
so i can remember the days of old where physically, mentally He cleansed me.
Cleanses me.
daily.
even if i am blind as a bat.
Thats why? I want to run....