Study session, with a tired mind equals little progress.
Rain begins to pour, I have to walk home, got my trash bag out to cover my book bag.
Took an hour nap. Woke up to sunshine, i didn't know the sun came until i was all dressed for rain and went outside.... no longer did i need the decked out rain gear.
Study session part two. bigger group, same thing... Asian history.
I was distracted. worse this time. my friend was there. I am used to hard core studying ... it just wasn't cracking down this time. All day i kept dropping note cards by accident, hit my heard on something hard. starting to feel worse. embarrassed by jokes. eating ones. (which i usually am embarrassed by anyways). My friend was there, also that person was there too. too close. too strong. just trying to resist and concentrate. later. ...
my friend and i play soccer, grabbed up two more people equals four people.
played in a tennis court. i should have been studying...
switched tennis court, and then an accident... (that person was watching, watching me)
while trying to get the ball before one of my friends, i kept running, and bumped in to her (usually like when i play with Carlos and Ivan (miss them along with my other friends) ) she fell, i was surprised and on top of that my whole actions were slow that day, my brain was not functioning. she hit her head.
I couldn't believe what i did.
i couldn't believe i could be so oblivious and clumsy. i hurt one of my close close friends at ODU.
hurt and mad, she needed time.
i didn't know what to do.
thats when that person, that person began to talk to me.
at first i didnt pay attention to who, just took it as my own.
CLUMSY,
NO GOOD,
BAD AT EVERYTHING
HORRIBLE,
SELFISH,
UNTALENTED,
NO GOOD
NO GOOD
KLUTZ
EMBARRASSMENT
NO WORTH
Just: RUN, RUN , RUN, RUN.....
I wanted to run, hard core work out SO hard, create a pain then become numb.
i wanted my tears to freeze my face,
i couldnt belive, what i did.
my friend was there,
i cant cry in front of him.
turn around to wipe my eyes, then fight back the trash bags,
not only that i began to mentally cut my self.
while the other voice inside told me, give it up, you have worth, give it up, dont run, just give it up, stop, and give it up.
i kept hearing the old voice saying ULGY, EW! UGLY, NO GOOD, UGLY, WORSE THAN BEFORE,
i just looked down and focused on the ball,
each passed ball piled another heap of insults, inner cuts begin to reopen scars, scars which were just healed.
the three people with me are hungry,
my hurt friend, she reconciles, but i cant help it, that weight pushes further, the knife continues to cut, i try to hand the knife over like the 'other person' told be to but i cant, the person watching continues to laugh and bat at me with words.
dinner,
not hungry,
CLUMSY,
UGLY,
NO GOOD,
ALL IS FAULT
i wanted to curl up in a corner and sleep till eternity.
later,
math is completed, tired, but cant sleep, i want to be nice for once today i dont want to cause problems, i need to read anyways,
i go into the hall to study my bible, read my devotions,
its about betrayal,
somthing that has passed everyone at least once.. i begin to think,
i feel like i am a betrayer like Gollum, or Judas, weaker than Peter at night.
more distractions appear.
I am so tired.
i am so tired
mentally,
spiritually,
im so tired. i thought that i was getting recharged, untill i become distracted.
like in the lifehouse skit,
i wanted to take the thing i know i dont want.
vanity sets in, as a compliment is thrown,
i wanted it ,
i wanted to believe it,
vanity was another form that has no hope it can be taken away by the one who gave it to you, and your thrown on the floor,
this game was being played,
i needed to sleep.
i talk to my brother, through a text. its hard to respond, because i feel like i cant talk right now my head is soo messed up. so i kept it scriptural, i know i need to respond. Carlo texts me i feel bad because i am drained. he notices, but i can't explain, i cant think, i was using all my energy to try and concentrate on my devotionals (which wasn't easy) my legs go numb,.
finally i went back into my room.
tried to go to sleep.
AFTERMATH ,,, i am not sure about now. i want to cry... but where .. ? there isnt a place... i want to go to someone and cry... i cant with out distractions occurring.
i want i hope i long. for comfort, no to cry. i want this YUCKY-ness inside of me out. LORD please HELP!
911 call for blood.
i am bleeding its black, i need to have it white again
i need it to be clear, crystal clear white. flowing through me like water.
1 Thessalonians 3
12May the Lord make your love increase and overflow for each other and for everyone else, just as ours does for you. 13May he strengthen your hearts so that you will be blameless and holy in the presence of our God and Father when our Lord Jesus comes with all his holy ones.
I want to say:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nnwz3xx_yGs&feature=related
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