Have you ever gotten up and not looked in the mirror
A mirror
the portal to our sought out worth
out reflection
of both inside and out
have you been secure enough to go
go with out looking
just one day...
yes?
What about a week?
its an addiction
whether we like what we see or not
we begin looking a lot
a lot, looking for who we are
no?
then looking just to know... ?
what
if we are OK ..
if we aren't a mess...
if yes? then what is the rest
does it matter how we look
truly does it matter.
" I knew you before i formed you in your mothers womb" -Jeremiah 1:5
"you are fearfully and wonderfully made"- Psalms 139:14
but...
there is always a but...
do i look good TODAY???
Finding our identities in a reflection,
our approval through another's eyes
i want to be satisfied
satisfied in truth
not lies,
not manipulations, not reflections
i want to see how i look though God's eyes
can you take a week?
a week with out vanity,
with out pride
take a week
maybe even 3 days with out
looking
seeking
finding your identity in a
mirror.
________________________________________________________________________
when you take this challenge you will soon find how difficult it is to follow.
not checking if your hair is frizzed, or if a zit came out,
no color coordinating, or do i look fat,
sad part is you notice how many ways that you can find an alternative mirror,
reflections off of glass.... shadows... even camera lenses. its sad .. how.. how addicted i am on my reflection.
the mirror
most of our self consciousness is lying in the mirror.
our thoughts use the mirror to show us whats wrong, or vainly, whats "right"
with our the mirror we can focus on our real lives, the one in the real world, not the appearances
our inner reflection, security, and hope
its hard. I think even become an idol. its hard NOT to look.
WHAT a DIFFICULT challenge!
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Friday, October 15, 2010
About 10/14/2010
Started as an encouraging day. Trynna live the way, the way He wants me to. Then comes history, and things started getting out of hand (in my heart).
Study session, with a tired mind equals little progress.
Rain begins to pour, I have to walk home, got my trash bag out to cover my book bag.
Took an hour nap. Woke up to sunshine, i didn't know the sun came until i was all dressed for rain and went outside.... no longer did i need the decked out rain gear.
Study session part two. bigger group, same thing... Asian history.
I was distracted. worse this time. my friend was there. I am used to hard core studying ... it just wasn't cracking down this time. All day i kept dropping note cards by accident, hit my heard on something hard. starting to feel worse. embarrassed by jokes. eating ones. (which i usually am embarrassed by anyways). My friend was there, also that person was there too. too close. too strong. just trying to resist and concentrate. later. ...
my friend and i play soccer, grabbed up two more people equals four people.
played in a tennis court. i should have been studying...
switched tennis court, and then an accident... (that person was watching, watching me)
while trying to get the ball before one of my friends, i kept running, and bumped in to her (usually like when i play with Carlos and Ivan (miss them along with my other friends) ) she fell, i was surprised and on top of that my whole actions were slow that day, my brain was not functioning. she hit her head.
I couldn't believe what i did.
i couldn't believe i could be so oblivious and clumsy. i hurt one of my close close friends at ODU.
hurt and mad, she needed time.
i didn't know what to do.
thats when that person, that person began to talk to me.
at first i didnt pay attention to who, just took it as my own.
CLUMSY,
NO GOOD,
BAD AT EVERYTHING
HORRIBLE,
SELFISH,
UNTALENTED,
NO GOOD
NO GOOD
KLUTZ
EMBARRASSMENT
NO WORTH
Just: RUN, RUN , RUN, RUN.....
I wanted to run, hard core work out SO hard, create a pain then become numb.
i wanted my tears to freeze my face,
i couldnt belive, what i did.
my friend was there,
i cant cry in front of him.
turn around to wipe my eyes, then fight back the trash bags,
not only that i began to mentally cut my self.
while the other voice inside told me, give it up, you have worth, give it up, dont run, just give it up, stop, and give it up.
i kept hearing the old voice saying ULGY, EW! UGLY, NO GOOD, UGLY, WORSE THAN BEFORE,
i just looked down and focused on the ball,
each passed ball piled another heap of insults, inner cuts begin to reopen scars, scars which were just healed.
the three people with me are hungry,
my hurt friend, she reconciles, but i cant help it, that weight pushes further, the knife continues to cut, i try to hand the knife over like the 'other person' told be to but i cant, the person watching continues to laugh and bat at me with words.
dinner,
not hungry,
CLUMSY,
UGLY,
NO GOOD,
ALL IS FAULT
i wanted to curl up in a corner and sleep till eternity.
later,
math is completed, tired, but cant sleep, i want to be nice for once today i dont want to cause problems, i need to read anyways,
i go into the hall to study my bible, read my devotions,
its about betrayal,
somthing that has passed everyone at least once.. i begin to think,
i feel like i am a betrayer like Gollum, or Judas, weaker than Peter at night.
more distractions appear.
I am so tired.
i am so tired
mentally,
spiritually,
im so tired. i thought that i was getting recharged, untill i become distracted.
like in the lifehouse skit,
i wanted to take the thing i know i dont want.
vanity sets in, as a compliment is thrown,
i wanted it ,
i wanted to believe it,
vanity was another form that has no hope it can be taken away by the one who gave it to you, and your thrown on the floor,
this game was being played,
i needed to sleep.
i talk to my brother, through a text. its hard to respond, because i feel like i cant talk right now my head is soo messed up. so i kept it scriptural, i know i need to respond. Carlo texts me i feel bad because i am drained. he notices, but i can't explain, i cant think, i was using all my energy to try and concentrate on my devotionals (which wasn't easy) my legs go numb,.
finally i went back into my room.
tried to go to sleep.
AFTERMATH ,,, i am not sure about now. i want to cry... but where .. ? there isnt a place... i want to go to someone and cry... i cant with out distractions occurring.
i want i hope i long. for comfort, no to cry. i want this YUCKY-ness inside of me out. LORD please HELP!
911 call for blood.
i am bleeding its black, i need to have it white again
i need it to be clear, crystal clear white. flowing through me like water.
12May the Lord make your love increase and overflow for each other and for everyone else, just as ours does for you. 13May he strengthen your hearts so that you will be blameless and holy in the presence of our God and Father when our Lord Jesus comes with all his holy ones.
I want to say:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nnwz3xx_yGs&feature=related
Study session, with a tired mind equals little progress.
Rain begins to pour, I have to walk home, got my trash bag out to cover my book bag.
Took an hour nap. Woke up to sunshine, i didn't know the sun came until i was all dressed for rain and went outside.... no longer did i need the decked out rain gear.
Study session part two. bigger group, same thing... Asian history.
I was distracted. worse this time. my friend was there. I am used to hard core studying ... it just wasn't cracking down this time. All day i kept dropping note cards by accident, hit my heard on something hard. starting to feel worse. embarrassed by jokes. eating ones. (which i usually am embarrassed by anyways). My friend was there, also that person was there too. too close. too strong. just trying to resist and concentrate. later. ...
my friend and i play soccer, grabbed up two more people equals four people.
played in a tennis court. i should have been studying...
switched tennis court, and then an accident... (that person was watching, watching me)
while trying to get the ball before one of my friends, i kept running, and bumped in to her (usually like when i play with Carlos and Ivan (miss them along with my other friends) ) she fell, i was surprised and on top of that my whole actions were slow that day, my brain was not functioning. she hit her head.
I couldn't believe what i did.
i couldn't believe i could be so oblivious and clumsy. i hurt one of my close close friends at ODU.
hurt and mad, she needed time.
i didn't know what to do.
thats when that person, that person began to talk to me.
at first i didnt pay attention to who, just took it as my own.
CLUMSY,
NO GOOD,
BAD AT EVERYTHING
HORRIBLE,
SELFISH,
UNTALENTED,
NO GOOD
NO GOOD
KLUTZ
EMBARRASSMENT
NO WORTH
Just: RUN, RUN , RUN, RUN.....
I wanted to run, hard core work out SO hard, create a pain then become numb.
i wanted my tears to freeze my face,
i couldnt belive, what i did.
my friend was there,
i cant cry in front of him.
turn around to wipe my eyes, then fight back the trash bags,
not only that i began to mentally cut my self.
while the other voice inside told me, give it up, you have worth, give it up, dont run, just give it up, stop, and give it up.
i kept hearing the old voice saying ULGY, EW! UGLY, NO GOOD, UGLY, WORSE THAN BEFORE,
i just looked down and focused on the ball,
each passed ball piled another heap of insults, inner cuts begin to reopen scars, scars which were just healed.
the three people with me are hungry,
my hurt friend, she reconciles, but i cant help it, that weight pushes further, the knife continues to cut, i try to hand the knife over like the 'other person' told be to but i cant, the person watching continues to laugh and bat at me with words.
dinner,
not hungry,
CLUMSY,
UGLY,
NO GOOD,
ALL IS FAULT
i wanted to curl up in a corner and sleep till eternity.
later,
math is completed, tired, but cant sleep, i want to be nice for once today i dont want to cause problems, i need to read anyways,
i go into the hall to study my bible, read my devotions,
its about betrayal,
somthing that has passed everyone at least once.. i begin to think,
i feel like i am a betrayer like Gollum, or Judas, weaker than Peter at night.
more distractions appear.
I am so tired.
i am so tired
mentally,
spiritually,
im so tired. i thought that i was getting recharged, untill i become distracted.
like in the lifehouse skit,
i wanted to take the thing i know i dont want.
vanity sets in, as a compliment is thrown,
i wanted it ,
i wanted to believe it,
vanity was another form that has no hope it can be taken away by the one who gave it to you, and your thrown on the floor,
this game was being played,
i needed to sleep.
i talk to my brother, through a text. its hard to respond, because i feel like i cant talk right now my head is soo messed up. so i kept it scriptural, i know i need to respond. Carlo texts me i feel bad because i am drained. he notices, but i can't explain, i cant think, i was using all my energy to try and concentrate on my devotionals (which wasn't easy) my legs go numb,.
finally i went back into my room.
tried to go to sleep.
AFTERMATH ,,, i am not sure about now. i want to cry... but where .. ? there isnt a place... i want to go to someone and cry... i cant with out distractions occurring.
i want i hope i long. for comfort, no to cry. i want this YUCKY-ness inside of me out. LORD please HELP!
911 call for blood.
i am bleeding its black, i need to have it white again
i need it to be clear, crystal clear white. flowing through me like water.
1 Thessalonians 3
12May the Lord make your love increase and overflow for each other and for everyone else, just as ours does for you. 13May he strengthen your hearts so that you will be blameless and holy in the presence of our God and Father when our Lord Jesus comes with all his holy ones.
I want to say:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nnwz3xx_yGs&feature=related
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
10/6/10 night
Well... tonight... being a Wednesday night meant we had small group bible study (i <3 my new sisters! ), but what was really cool was that I was supposed to meet up with my language partner (who is very sweet and Japanese!) for dinner. So in order to incorporate the eating with the small groups (brother & sister) meant that i would introduce them to my language partner. The night went over well praise the LORD!! and Mami (my language partner) came to small group with us. She said she understood some words but not most, i am praying that the LORD will reveal His message to her so that she can understand and know. :) THIS ISS SSOO COOOLL!!
UPDAT3 UPDAT3 ( ii r3m3mb3r wh3n ii us3d 2 tlk liik3 thiis!! :P)
UPDAT3 UPDAT3 ( ii r3m3mb3r wh3n ii us3d 2 tlk liik3 thiis!! :P)
10/6/2010
Today on my way back from class there was this man on the corner of the street who looked like he was older than 50. At first I wondered who was this man and what was he doing, then he asked me a question and handed me something. A little green and black book was passed to me as he asked if i would like to take a bible, i grinned and said thank you. It was such an inspiration to see purpose and action along with dedication. Norfolk this morning was cold and windy outside, yet that Sir was out side on the corner of W.49th Street and was handing out bibles early in the morning!!!
wow!! PRAISE JESUS!! FOR IF WE ARE SILENT EVEN THE ROCKS WILL CRY OUT!
Once again i am reminded of my purpose... what i am trying to figure out is .... HOW?
New favorite song!! its SOOO DEEP!!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BbH0IWZL05s&list=QL&feature=BF
I refuse By: Josh wilson
89.9 played this song today... which reminded me even more that we have our purpose which we need to fufill!!~ and also yesterday i read
wow!! PRAISE JESUS!! FOR IF WE ARE SILENT EVEN THE ROCKS WILL CRY OUT!
Once again i am reminded of my purpose... what i am trying to figure out is .... HOW?
New favorite song!! its SOOO DEEP!!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BbH0IWZL05s&list=QL&feature=BF
I refuse By: Josh wilson
89.9 played this song today... which reminded me even more that we have our purpose which we need to fufill!!~ and also yesterday i read
Romans 12:6-8 (New International Version)
6We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man's gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his[a]faith. 7If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; 8if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully.
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Romans+12:6-8&version=NIV
praise the LORD!!!!! FOR HE IS GOOD! AND WORTHY OF OUR PRAISE!
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Romans+12:6-8&version=NIV
praise the LORD!!!!! FOR HE IS GOOD! AND WORTHY OF OUR PRAISE!
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